It is with great pleasure that I present the following products. These items are sensible and sustainable and a great alternative to traditional religious products which are typically manufactured by six-year-old children with seven remaining fingers and an occasional missing eye whilst they work in sweatshop conditions in the name of capitalism and the free market. Inspiring and brilliant as my products are, they will not solve any of your problems...unless one of your problems is having too much money and no heirs.
Being a blog of the absurd and not an ecommerce site complete with shopping cart, one-click ordering, and all sorts of other inconvenient conveniences, the ordering process is a bit different, however I am certain you will find it quite easy. So, how do you order? Simply send me a venmo or paypal (@RevDrDavidJ) for the correct amount of money with a message indicating what you would like and where you would like it sent. Shipping in the United States is included. California sales tax is included. If you accidentally send money without a message, simply email the order to info@fishfishgarden.com.
Holy Fuck! Water
A two ounce glass bottle of water both blessed and cursed at by me, the Reverend Dr. David. Not for consumption unless there is literally no other alternative and you are just delaying the inevitable (by a very short period of time) and when that time comes and on the earth water is no more and you are clutching on to this one last bottle trying to find the strength to open it with your sun blistered hands, your gravelly voice will gasp and hail triumphantly, yet somehow desperately, "holy fuck! water."
Growing a few brine shimp (not included) in it works, too, and could be that perfect pet project you've been waiting for your whole life. Looks great on a shelf — painted, stained wood, veneer, faux wood...any kind of shelf, really. Curio cabinets and altars work well, too. For novelty use only. Life or soul saving is neither warrantied nor implied. venmo/paypal: RevDrDavidJ
$49
Box of Blessings and other stuff from around my house
I've been blessed with so many things that I really don't need. This box of blessings is a USPS small flat rate box full of somewhat sacred stuff from around my house. Will it be a pair of socks...or as I like to call them, blessed fuzzy prayer cloths for the feet? If so, they may be lightly worn but guaranteed machine washed heavy duty cycle with an unscented detergent, tumble dried on a high heat permanent press cycle without fabric softener, and thoroughly blessed. More than likely it will not be socks but it could be. If it is a sock or socks there will be other things in the box, too. Or not. The sock/prayer cloth was just meant as an example of what may arrive in the small flat rate box of blessings. venmo/paypal: RevDrDavidJ
$49
Stones from my Garden
Several non-vandalized stones faithfully procured from my blessed garden and placed in a 5 inch by 7 inch reusable burlap drawstring bag. Though they are not large enough to take down a goliath or to throw at god while screaming, they do look lovely on a shelf or altar, in a terrarium or garden, or perhaps even thoughtfully placed on top of the soil of a potted plant or indoor herb garden. Makes a great stocking stuffer and housewarming gift.
For novelty use only. These rocks won't save your life or your soul, but your purchase will help me quite a bit. venmo/paypal: RevDrDavidJ
$49
Blessed Sands of Exodus
A fistful of sand from the shores of the Red Sea which Moses allegedly parted for the Jews but then unparted for the Egyptian soldiers drowning them all. This means there is a chance that your order of sand is mixed with (or partially composed of) bits and pieces of ground up ancient Egyptian soldier bones. Go Moses!
This handful of ground history potentially peppered with the skeletal remains of the world's first anti-semites is shipped directly from the Holy Land of Israel. (Fun non-fact: the "Holy" in "Holy Land" is actually a reference to all of the craters in the landscape throughout the region from missile attacks and suicide bombers and has nothing to do with religion.) This super exciting offering from the Fish Fish Garden might just be the perfect panty dropper for your special someone.
For novelty use only. Sand is sand and no matter where it comes from or whose ground up bones it's made out of, it won't save your life, or your soul, or even get you laid...but your purchase will help me quite a bit. venmo/paypal: RevDrDavidJ
$99