I've often said that one of the worst things you can be in San Diego is hungry after 9pm. Being more of a nocturnal nosher, I have learned to plan ahead so that I don’t often have to make the choice of stopping at a fast food restaurant or exercising self discipline by going to a grocery store to find healthier options for eating, especially since my self discipline usually runs out in the parking lot and I end up coming out of the store with a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, and a pack of cookies that have a shelf life of fifty years, in which case fast food is by far the healthier choice. Anyhooters, there I was, leaving the side gig after a busy shift knowing the only food in the house, aside from a vast and impressive array of condiments and hot sauces was for the Maggie and while human grade, it is far too expensive to have me eating it, too.
Off I went for my semi-annual fast food binge. Being a non-regular - maybe even irregular - fast food buyer, I’m not very familiar with the menus and thus not really a fan of the drive thru experience and prefer to order at the counter or even a kiosk. Call me overly considerate but I do not like to make other humans wait for me to read the menu and make up my mind…chances are they know what they want which is why they opted for the drive thru and it would not be cool for them to be behind me while I’m all dazzled by the digital display and reading about the choices of dipping sauces for something I have no intention of ordering. This is America in 2022, tempers might flare, mayhem may ensue, and someone could lose their McShit. I couldn’t be responsible for all that.
But wait…am I not just projecting my own impatience onto others? Surely even a fellow hypothetical human who is in the middle of a fast food crisis with their blood sugar falling fast, and whose dumb luck landed him in the drive-thru line behind someone as indecisive as me, would extend some consideration to me by being patient and allowing me time to order but to what extent? And should I not be equally as considerate of him and place my order as expeditiously as possible and not hold up the line or go inside to order?…this is fast food and the drive-thru, brother, not a stop and shop or park and piss around.
Being a reverend doctor and having an extensive background in marketing - but mostly the reverend doctor part - I believe I am correct in stating that the fast food drive-thru was created or ought to have been created for experienced customers who know what they want, want it now, and don’t want to mess around. No special preparations, odd-ball orders, or modifications. There is a sense of urgency with a drive-thru as stopping is neither mentioned nor implied. This differentiates it from a drive-in. The drive-thru wasn’t designed so a person can drive in and park their car while they read over the menu with eyes full of wonder as they contemplate which mass produced, low quality, loaded with industrial solvent item or items with which to engorge themselves. No, indeed. That sort of lallygagging is best done inside the store where a lack of consideration and decisiveness has less of an impact on those around them.
Is there a moral to this story?
Yes. Being indecisive at a fast food drive-thru is like taking a shit in a urinal…sure you can do it but aside from being terribly inconsiderate, it will likely back things up for a while and invite others to do the same thing and soon, pooping in urinals could become commonplace and the beauty and efficiency of the urinal would be lost in the annals of history. That single turd could lead to bigger movements, mass cloggings, and ultimately the end of the golden age of the urinal.