One way I’ve found to both observe the curious behavior of humans and pay the bills is to bartend from time to time at a family-friendly resort hotel's walk up pool bar. Being a hotel, the clientele changes from day to day and week to week but the commonality between all of the hotel guests is, of course, how much they are willing to pay per night for the amenities they seek on their trip to sunny Southern California. The closest I have to "regular customers" is a couple and their kid who come to town roughly every other month to hang by the pool for a weekend but this story is not about them, I was just making a point.
This past Friday in the early afternoon, a 12 year old girl came to the bar and began looking around so I asked if I could help her with anything. She told me that she was “just checking things out” and then asked what was in the frozen drink machines and what the available options were for kids - and she wanted all the details - what was in the drink and what the available garnishes were. I gave her the run down and again asked if she would like something. She replied, “not right now, but I will be back” and skipped on out of the bar. At this point it would be a gross understatement to say that this girl really thought she was something special, she was quite dramatic in all that she did. I had a strange feeling that at some point that day, this was going to be her stage.
About ten minutes later, in walked a pack of girls aged 10 - 12 led by the aforementioned 12 year old girl who proceeded to give the girls the same run down on kids drinks that I had just given her. Then she told them they can each order one drink and that she would pay for it (with her mother’s credit card). Suddenly, it dawned on me, I was dealing with a Heather #1 in the making. She ordered herself a frozen blended (non-alcoholic, obviously) fruity flavored high fructose corn syrup based and whipped cream and candy covered drink (one of the kid’s drinks I had just told her about 10 minutes earlier). I asked if anyone else would like something and they all said that they weren’t sure yet, so I made Heather #1 her drink. As I served the artfully prepared frozen fruity concoction adorned with a dollop of whipped cream, sugary candies, pineapple wedge, and a maraschino cherry, the girls all got excited and the next one asked for the same thing, I asked the others, they still weren't sure, so I made the drink and repeated 5 times.
After all of the drinks were made and served - one by one - Heather #1 said, “sir, you forgot the cocktail umbrellas for our drinks. A drink just isn’t a drink without a cocktail umbrella. Girls, you just have to have an umbrella in your drink.” Somewhere between ‘oh no she didn’t’ and ‘the customer is always right,’ I wondered, 'whose spawn is she? How is it that this 12 year old girl is so familiar with bar supplies and cocktail garnishes? Did she learn this from her mother, her father, or both? Does she live on a cruise ship? Did she grow up in Margaritaville? Did she practice this shpiel in front of a mirror first? Who - at 12 years old - says shit like that?' And, most importantly, 'should I take this opportunity to burst her little bubble, take her down a notch, and potentially save her from her future self right here in front of her posse?' I couldn’t resist.
“Actually,” I replied, “here’s a fun fact, it’s not called an 'umbrella' it's called a ‘parasol’ from the Spanish ‘para sol’ meaning ‘for the sun.’ (It's actually French in origin and Latin derived, so someday when she tries that line in an academic setting near an etymologist, she will be foiled again and curse my name.) An umbrella is for the rain and it wouldn’t make much sense to have an umbrella in your drink on a sunny day, now would it?” The girls all giggled - all but one, that is - as I put a cocktail parasol in each of their decadent drinks. Heather #1 did not giggle, though she did turn a little red.
Is there a moral to this story?
Children are the future, don’t let them grow up to be Heathers (or dicks), and a drink is a drink…parasol or not. Also, these cute little cocktail parasols which are appreciated for maybe a few minutes then thrown in the trash, are made in authoritarian countries by companies who use child labor and have dangerous working conditions. They also contribute to the deforestation of the planet and exist simply because of kids like Heather #1 and her mom (and/or dad) who demand that they exist so they can feel special.